Come Experience Erangel, A Battleground Like No Other
Are you sick and tired of going to the same old place every vacation? Cancun? The Bahamas? DISNEYLAND?! What is the one thing that all of these places lack? If your answer was the omnipresent feeling of death coming to take you at any moment, then have we the destination for you!
The small island nation of Erangel has recently emerged as the world’s hottest tourist destination and it’s easy to see why. Visitors are treated to a pristine view of the surrounding Black Sea all while maintaining a temperate climate year round. The island itself is the quintessential post-Soviet Eastern European paradise complete with urban decay, derelict infrastructure and abandoned military complexes.
If expensive airfare has put a damper in your plans in the past then worry not, you’ll not find a more economic destination than this! Travel costs are low on Erangel’s sole airline which consists of a single low-maintenance C-130 meant for 100 passengers which travels to and from the mainland on an hourly basis. Now with such a high volume of people one could expect it to get crowded and nothing ruins a vacation quite like crowds. But through innovative research and bold ingenuity the pioneers at the Erangel Department of Tourism (EDT) have come up with a solution! Surveys have found that most vacationers would have no problem murdering another human being if it meant not having to wait an hour in line just to get an autograph from a sweaty employee dressed as Mickey Mouse. Our experts have devised an experience that removes the red tape and allows all our customers to experience such a catharsis.
As space is such a premium and the waiting list of potential visitors so long, we encourage all of our travelers to cull their numbers within a reasonable amount of time. The Department has graciously provided an ample supply of firearms to facilitate this process. Those few who remain will be generously rewarded with a succulent gourmet meal consisting of the finest poultry in Central Asia and a 15% discount on their next trip to the island! A prize worth killing for indeed!
Everyone wishes they could just land at their destination instead of going through the tedious process of landing, exiting the plane, recovering their baggage and about a million other mind-numbing steps. Well, the revolutionary minds at Erangel Airlines have solved this dilemma and cut costs and travel time in half by removing the landing process entirely and instead supplying all their passengers with parachutes. This allows all of our customers to decide when and where they’d like to begin their adventure! In order to prioritize space, luggage is strictly forbidden and travelers need only worry about the clothes on their back (or lack thereof).* The island will provide all the accommodations (and ammunition) you’ll need to enjoy your stay!
*The Erangel Department of Tourism would like to remind travelers that while there is no formal dress code, a bare minimum of basic underwear is required.
Erangel is dotted with countless points of interest and mini-destinations. There are ruins towards the center of the island which would pique the interest of any history buff. Are they Greek? Roman? It’s anyone’s guess, but the fun is in the mystery! The wide expanses of farmland offer a window into the rustic lifestyle the islands residents once lived before *CONTENT REDACTED*
Meanwhile, the constant hustle and bustle of city life that most outsiders are used to is replaced by the deathly silence of such lovely towns as Georgopol and Pochinki.
While it may be tempting to spend your whole vacation at any one of these locales, we would like to remind you that the island is surrounded by a gradually shrinking electromagnetic field that will turn your brain into putty if you remain in it too long. This is merely an effort to keep our guests moving so as not to miss out on exploring the rest of the island! Additionally, in order to prevent any lollygagging within the safe zones the EDT orders routine artillery barrages in random areas.
You may be asking yourself, “Am I expected to explore the entire island on foot? What if I get blisters? What if my sciatica starts acting up?” Well lucky for you getting from one place to another couldn’t be simpler as transportation is available in the form of a plethora of luxury automobiles. From the humble and reliable Dacia to the lean Dune Buggy you can cruise the roads of Erangel in style, or you can simply avoid them entirely. The lack of any and all law enforcement means your vacation won’t be hampered by petty traffic violations.
Hopefully this brochure has convinced you to book your next vacation to Erangel today, but if you won’t take our word for it then listen to these satisfied customers**:
“I’d never felt more alive! Every vacation I'd been on before this just feels meaningless in comparison. Next time I’ll bring the whole family!”
“If you want decent Wi-Fi go to Stalber it’s the only place I could get 4G, Pochinki had an optimum hotspot though.”
“The blue electric thingy actually feels pretty cool once it touches you! That being said I can’t smell anymore and I can only see in shades of purple.”
“Chicken was dry.”
Millions of people have already experienced the world’s newest and hottest vacation spot; the question you should be asking is WHY HAVEN’T YOU?
Make sure to stay tuned for updates from our partners in Miramar!
**The EDT defines any person who survives the full duration of their stay as a "satisfied customer"