Activision Investors Face Shocking Cutbacks After Destiny Underperforms

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2018 has been a rough year for gaming companies on the PR front; the sudden dismissal of most of Telltale Games staff with no advance warning, and the allegations of gender discrimination and sexual harassment at Riot just to name a few.  However, all of these events pale in comparison to the tragedy currently transpiring at Activision. In the wake of the news that the sales for Destiny 2: Forsaken fell well below the expectations originally set by Activision, the publisher has been forced to make some shocking cutbacks.  Sadly, the people most affected by these changes appear to be the investors, some of whom we were able to interview though they wished to remain anonymous:

“I was in the middle of dinner when my manservant approached me telling me he had urgent news.  Normally such an offense would not be tolerated but the caviar had been simply divine and I was feeling generous.  He stated that due to an unexpected decrease in profit margins it would be fiscally irresponsible for me to continue eating at this establishment.  I mean for god’s sake! Can’t a man eat sushi off a naked woman in peace? Apparently it was something about some nerds not buying some Dynasty game.”

“I don’t get it.  Dasani 2 should have been raking in the dough like crazy, who doesn’t love shooting guns?  I know I do! Or did at least. I used to go pigeon shooting with my platinum plated shotguns every weekend, but ever since the cutbacks I’ve been forced into a much more austere lifestyle.  Now I have to make due with gold-plated guns! Still go every weekend though, man’s gotta have a life amirite?”

“I told them a million times we should have been trying to appeal more to the youngsters.  Those chumps at Bethesda had the right idea having that ninja guy playing with Rich and Marty.  My plan would have been to have a cross promotion with that Tik-Tok app, get some catchy crap like ‘I’m Already Zavalla’ stuck in their head and BOOM!  That would have been just the push Desiree Forgotten would have needed to give us a record breaking Q4.”

One investor was so shaken up about the news of the cutbacks we could hardly get a word out of him. At one point we had to run to an ATM as he had run out of fresh hundreds.

One investor was so shaken up about the news of the cutbacks we could hardly get a word out of him. At one point we had to run to an ATM as he had run out of fresh hundreds.

Indeed it is a sad day when a game company can’t even manage to provide its own investors with the quality of life they have become so accustomed to.  Thankfully, Activision has resolved to do everything in its power to lessen the hefty financial burden placed on its shareholders. First by re-allocating funds originally set aside for employee holiday bonuses as well as “trimming the fat” by removing unnecessary utilities from the workplace, such as running water and smoke detectors. There are also plans to implement new forms of monetization within Destiny 2 itself.  What these plans are is anyone's guess although an inside source mentioned that at a meeting of shareholders one member continuously asked the question “Can’t we fit one of those Fortnite’s in there?”  More on this story as it develops.