Bethesda Celebrates Record Breaking Seven Days without a Fallout 76 Mishap


Bethesda HQ was awash with festivity today as the company announced the miraculous achievement of having gone a full week without a single debacle regarding their latest release, Fallout 76. Employees were seen hugging and kissing each other, forming conga lines and even partaking in libations. Some members of the support team became so emotional they began openly weeping tears of joy, overwhelmed by the realization that for a brief moment they would not have to contend with an unending deluge of furious customers. In the midst of the jubilation, lead developer Todd Howard was seen walking the premises smugly telling people, “It just works, amiright?” During the short time we were present he repeated this to us no less than three times.

Unfortunately the only drinks available on hand were Bethesda’s substantial surplus of Nuka Dark Rum.

Unfortunately the only drinks available on hand were Bethesda’s substantial surplus of Nuka Dark Rum.

It’s hard to say that the celebration isn’t well deserved; after all, it’s not every day that a major game studio manages to go over 168 straight hours without a catastrophic PR nightmare taking place. As a result of this achievement, consumer confidence in Bethesda has skyrocketed. According to a recent survey distributed to the Fallout 76 community, when asked to describe the overall quality of their game experience, the overwhelming majority of those polled declined to answer. This is considered a massive improvement over previous weeks where the responses were almost entirely negative. Another notable benefit was the sudden increase in unit sales abroad, specifically in Germany, although representatives at Bethesda did not seem to have an answer as to why profits did not reflect this increase.

Pete Hines, Vice President of Bethesda, even went so far as to organize a press conference to address the new state of the company and their plans for the future.

“The days of vinyl bags and private information leaks are at long last behind us, the Bethesda you see now is the very model of a modern major gaming company. The sort of company that can go an entire quarter of a month without showing an almost comedically embarrassing level of incompetence.”

Mr. Hines wrapped up the conference with a first look at the Collectors Edition for the Elder Scrolls VI. This version of the game will come with a replica Daedric helmet, a bottle of specially brewed Skooma, a life size statue of Mehrunes Dagon and, supposedly, a fully functional Dwarven Centurion. The latter element is still in the prototype phase according to Hines, but he assured us that the final product will be delivered EXACTLY as advertised. Now usually I would be skeptical in the face of such bold proclamations, but with this new resolve Bethesda has demonstrated I am more than confident in their ability to deliver on their promises.

***EDIT*** We received confirmation recently that the Skooma drink present in the Special Edition is apparently grape Kool-Aid with a small amount of grain alcohol added to the mix.